project: Chunky Salsament

CHUNKY SALSAMENT: THE GAME THAT TIME FORGOT (AND YOUR GPU WILL TOO)

Welcome to CHUNKY SALSAMENT, the retro FPS that's less "DOOM clone" and more "DOOM confused." Imagine if Wolfenstein 3D had a baby with a graphing calculator, and that baby was raised by wolves who really loved concrete grey.

WHAT IS THIS GLORIOUS MESS?

You're a space marine with the proportional dimensions of a refrigerator. Your shoulders are so wide you have to turn sideways to fit through standard doorways (this is a feature we call "Realistic Hitbox Anxiety"). Your mission: wander through a maze of emotionally unstable walls while questioning all your life choices.

KEY "FEATURES" THAT DEFINITELY WORK:

• THREE WHOLE WALL TYPES: Experience the thrilling diversity of Grey, Slightly Darker Grey, and Bluish-Grey! Our wall texture loading system is so advanced, it fails gracefully 66% of the time!
• REALISTIC COLLISION DETECTION: Your character respects personal space! With our revolutionary "Human Buffer Technology™," you'll never accidentally merge with a wall again (unless you really, really try).
• ADVANCED RAYCASTING OPTIONS: Choose between three performance profiles: "Potato Mode" (120 rays), "My Computer Is Okay I Guess" (300 rays), and "Melt My GPU Into Soup" (800 rays). Watch your framerate have an existential crisis in real-time!
• IMMERSIVE MINI-MAP: Contains more information than you need about walls you've already seen! Now with a sad pink circle showing your personal space bubble!
• AUTHENTIC RETRO VISUALS: We've carefully recreated that "just downloaded from a 1994 BBS" look. The colors are so aggressively 90s, they might ask you where you were when Kurt Cobain died.

WHAT THE PRESS IS SAYING:

"I've never seen so much concrete grey in my life." - My Mom, who is concerned about me

"Is this a game or a cry for help?" - My Cat, who walked on the keyboard during testing

"At least it's not another vampire survivor clone." - Some Guy on Discord

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS:

• MINIMUM: A computer that can run Doom (1993)
• RECOMMENDED: A computer that can run Doom (2016) but you're willing to lower your standards significantly
• OPTIMAL: A time machine to 1995 and low expectations

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

Q: Is there a story? A: Something about a cheese sandwich of cosmic power. The dialogue will be un-skippable.

Q: How many weapons are there? A: Currently, the core gameplay revolves around staring at walls and being disappointed. We're working on a "soggy fish" melee weapon for Early Access.

Q: Will there be multiplayer? A: Our netcode is currently powered by two tin cans and a piece of string, so probably not.

Q: Is this game finished? A: Define "finished."

JOIN THE DEVELOPMENT JOURNEY!

Watch in real-time as I struggle with OpenGL, accidentally create new visual artifacts that could be classified as modern art, and occasionally make the game slightly less broken than it was yesterday. This isn't just a game - it's a cry for help disguised as a development log!

WARNING: May cause existential dread, nostalgia for a time that never existed, and the overwhelming urge to play a better game. But hey, at least it's not another battle royale!

THE LEGAL(ISH) BIT:

LOOK. Let's be real: this game is currently held together by duct tape, hope, and the sheer gravitational pull of my own hubris. What you're seeing is the equivalent of a car that's still on cinder blocks with the engine in the back seat.

BUT! If you enjoy watching train wrecks in slow motion (and let's be honest, who doesn't?), you should totally follow this project! Because someday, maybe, if the stars align and I remember how to code again, there might be:

• An Alpha: Where the game is 10% features and 90% hilarious new ways to crash
• A Beta: Where we've fixed some bugs but added way more interesting ones
• A Full Release: That will probably still feel like an Alpha, but we'll call it "1.0" to feel better about ourselves

So smash that follow button if you want front-row seats to this beautiful disaster in the making! Watch as I attempt to turn this glitchy rectangle simulator into an actual game without setting my computer on fire!

COMING SOON(ISH) TO A COMPUTER NEAR YOU (MAYBE)!